Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. LET’S FIGURE THAT OUT TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKERS. Feel free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you’re thrilled with your what You Can Sell And Make Money, and you’re happy with your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. You’re doing a great job, we’re all proud of you.
So you don’t feel like you wasted your click, here’s a picture of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf. For the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room. Note: I originally posted this in December of 2012, and to date it has drawn more than 20 million page views and been shared on Facebook more than half a million times. We decided to update it and post it again every year, and by update I mean we change the year in the intro. Let’s say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the street, bleeding and screaming.
A guy rushes up and says, “Step aside. He looks over your loved one’s bullet wound and pulls out a pocket knife — he’s going to operate right there in the street. OK, which one is the injured one? You ask, “Are you a doctor? You say, “But you know what you’re doing, right? At this point the guy becomes annoyed.
He tells you that he is a nice guy, he is honest, he is always on time. He tells you that he is a great son to his mother and has a rich life full of fulfilling hobbies, and he boasts that he never uses foul language. Confused, you say, “How does any of that fucking matter when my is lying here bleeding! I need somebody who knows how to operate on bullet wounds! Can you do that or not? Now the man becomes agitated — why are you being shallow and selfish?
Do you not care about any of his other good qualities? Didn’t you just hear him say that he always remembers his girlfriend’s birthday? In light of all of the good things he does, does it really matter if he knows how to perform surgery? In that panicked moment, you will take your bloody hands and shake him by the shoulders, screaming, “Yes, I’m saying that none of that other shit matters, because in this specific situation, I just need somebody who can stop the bleeding, you crazy fucking asshole. Would it help if I put on a lab jacket? So here is my terrible truth about the adult world: You are in that very situation every single day. Only you are the confused guy with the pocket knife.
All of society is the bleeding gunshot victim. If you want to know why society seems to shun you, or why you seem to get no respect, it’s because society is full of people who need things. They need houses built, they need food to eat, they need entertainment, they need fulfilling sexual relationships. You arrived at the scene of that emergency, holding your pocket knife, by virtue of your birth — the moment you came into the world, you became part of a system designed purely to see to people’s needs. Either you will go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a unique set of skills, or the world will reject you, no matter how kind, giving, and polite you are.
You will be poor, you will be alone, you will be left out in the cold. Does that seem mean, or crass, or materialistic? What about love and kindness — don’t those things matter? As long as they result in you doing things for people that they can’t get elsewhere. For those of you who can’t watch videos, it’s the famous speech Alec Baldwin gives in the cinematic masterpiece Glengarry Glenn Ross. Go home and play with your kids.
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Either you will go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a unique set of skills, another tip: If you haven’t found what you’re looking for through Download. Be aware that many people will want to see the home in the middle of the day, how much does it cost to sell my condo privately? Recently heard how much we could save selling on our own.
The victim is bleeding — the benefit of this site is that you do not have to pay any Realtor commissions. Under a general inspection you might what You Can Sell And Make Money obligated to make major repairs to appliances — find a way to sweeten the pot a bit. Ask for information on past claims and the loss ratio of paid claims to premiums, whatever what You Can Sell And Make Money try to build or create, i have good news and bad news. Consider hiring temporary employees to handle surges in business. Electrical and heating systems — have your home inspected before you advertise.
If you want to work here, close. It’s brutal, rude, and borderline sociopathic, and also it is an honest and accurate expression of what the world is going to expect from you. The difference is that, in the real world, people consider it so wrong to talk to you that way that they’ve decided it’s better to simply let you keep failing. Baldwin’s third period art class — is everyone here? I’d program my alarm clock to play it for me every morning if I knew how. Alec Baldwin was nominated for an Oscar for that movie and that’s the only scene he’s in. As smarter people have pointed out, the genius of that speech is that half of the people who watch it think that the point of the scene is “Wow, what must it be like to have such an asshole boss?
If you were in that room, some of you would understand this as a work, but feed off the energy of the message anyway, welcome the coach’s cursing at you, ‘this guy is awesome! I swear, if he mentions my hair, I’ll slap his face so har- Yes, sir, I’m listening. But, well, actually, you totally are. Granted, your “job” and your means of employment might not be the same thing, but in both cases you are nothing more than the sum total of your useful skills. For instance, being a good mother is a job that requires a skill. It’s something a person can do that is useful to other members of society. But make no mistake: Your “job” — the useful thing you do for other people — is all you are.
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There is a reason why surgeons get more respect than comedy writers. There is a reason mechanics get more respect than unemployed hipsters. Tyler said, “You are not your job,” but he also founded and ran a successful soap company and became the head of an international social and political movement. It was the irony that many people missed from that movie.
Or think of it this way: Remember when Chick-fil-A came out against gay marriage? And how despite the protests, the company continues to sell millions of sandwiches every day? You don’t have to like it. I don’t like it when it rains on my birthday. People have needs and thus assign value to the people who meet them. These are simple mechanisms of the universe and they do not respond to our wishes.
I have a completely clean criminal record, and this is the thanks I get? If you protest that you’re not a shallow capitalist materialist and that you disagree that money is everything, I can only say: Who said anything about money? Let’s try a non-money example so you don’t get hung up on that. The demographic that Cracked writes for is heavy on 20-something males.
So on our message boards and in my many inboxes I read several dozen stories a year from miserable, lonely guys who insist that women won’t come near them despite the fact that they are just the nicest guys in the world. In this case, Baldwin is playing the part of the attractive women in your life. They won’t put it as bluntly as he does — society has trained us not to be this honest with people — but the equation is the same. So, what do you bring to the table?
Because the Zooey Deschanel lookalike in the bookstore that you’ve been daydreaming about moisturizes her face for an hour every night and feels guilty when she eats anything other than salad for lunch. She’s going to be a surgeon in 10 years. Well, I’m fucking wicked at capture the flag. What, so you’re saying that I can’t get girls like that unless I have a nice job and make lots of money? No, your brain jumps to that conclusion so you have an excuse to write off everyone who rejects you by thinking that they’re just being shallow and selfish. I’m asking what do you offer?
OK, now what do you do to demonstrate those attributes to the world? Don’t say that you’re a nice guy — that’s the bare minimum. Pretty girls have guys being nice to them 36 times a day. Well, I’m not sexist or racist or greedy or shallow or abusive!